Writer’s Bloc


I am in a writer’s bloc. There is nothing coming to mind, save one subject. But otherwise, I have no desire, nor will to write anymore.

There are so many things that are circulating and brewing and, yet, I have absolutely no interest in writing about any of them. Writing is usually cathartic for me, but for the past few weeks it has been hard to find a muse for my writing, at least for this personal column. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I can put into words all the things that are going through my head right now.

I am worried; I am nervous; I am excited; I am happy; I am distraught. And at any moment in the day I am experiencing one or more of these emotions. I can usually act complacent and work through the hard times, but this time around, I just can’t evade it. These feelings seem to never cease, and it feels like I have perpetual butterflies in my stomach wreaking havoc on my psyche.

Usually I can tap into these feelings and bang out a good article (or at least a mediocre one), but this time my mood is not firing me up, it’s slowing me down. Nothing is inspiring or interesting to me, and there is always a person on my mind that keeps me from writing. And I think I know that the only way I can get over this slump is to finally write about it, but it’s hard and it’s ugly and it’s worrisome.

Not to mention completely embarrassing.

I have a crush. Yes, the independent feminist has finally landed on a boy that she truly likes. This is no “Oh, I think he’s cute.” No. This is I can’t get him out of my head, keeps me from doing my homework, invades my every thought, type of crush.

It has been a long time since I have liked someone. Actually, I’m pretty sure I have never felt this way about a guy.

In the past, I have successfully been able to block any and all distractors (meaning boyfriends) out of my purview. Now, it is up for debate whether or not I myself have chased them away, or if they just have no interest in me. Either way, it has worked. I have been able to fully focus on school and my future without any hiccups.

And now, before anything has ever happened or will ever happen, it plagues me. He plagues me without even knowing it.

We’re friends. Correction: I think we’re friends. (It’s fair to say that I am a little insecure about the “friend” word, but that’s a whole story entirely.)

We talk every day, but it’s mostly about school and banal subjects. Sometimes, though, we get a little deeper than that, and  it’s those conversations that really get me. It’s those conversations that make me like him even more than I do.

And even though I love those conversations and I practically have them on repeat in my head, I really need them to stop.

This is going to come out pessimistic, but I don’t care. I don’t want to like him more because I know that our relationship (acquaintance, friendship, classmates or whatever it is) will never go past what it already is. I know that I will never get enough guts to tell him I like him. I can’t and I won’t.

But I also know that the easiest way to get over the feelings is rejection. I just can’t do it. Whatever ‘we’ are at this point in time has to be enough because risking this thing that we have, however inconsequential it is for him, is not worth it to me. Adding to the fact that I have no idea if he is involved with someone or likes someone else.

It scares me to know that I may just have to wait out these feelings. I know that it won’t last forever, but it will feel like eternity.

I just hope that he doesn’t figure out that this article is about him.

Or maybe I do.