Why I Can Wait to Be A Senior

May 11, 2015

Being a senior is scary. I don’t envy the ones who are about to leave us in four short weeks. I feel bad for them.

College to me is the end.

I am so incredibly not ready to be a senior. I like my life the way it is; I love my parents; I love my bed; I love my church. And as much as I complain about it, I love this school. To me, I am light-years away from being emotionally stable enough to truly be able to live on my own, but I am constantly being hit with the reality that in one short year, I will be facing life on my own.

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I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up, much less know what college I want to go to. It’s kind of a running joke with me; people around me think I have my life together, but in reality it is a big freaking mess. (Yes, I joke around with myself; no, I am not insane.)

I am all over the place, and at any given point in time I am thinking about things ranging from my homework schedule to the boy I like. My thoughts interrupt each other and I can change gears so fast that it makes my head spin. The only people who can really ground me are my cousin and my mom.

And I can’t take them to college with me.

How will I be snapped out of my panic attacks if my mother isn’t there to tell me that I’m being ridiculous? Who am I going to joke around in class with, who am I going to complain to, who will be there who really understands the awfulness of AP teachers? Caroline really gets me, and that’s because I have known her my entire life. And believe you me, it takes a lifetime to really know me.

But Caroline won’t go to Baylor and I’m not going to live in Aggieland. (Well, probably not at least.)

There is a year. I have a year before I truly have to worry about this, but I can’t shake the daunting feeling in my gut when someone even mentions college. I can make friends; that is not what concerns me. I just have a tendency to never trust anyone, not fully at least. The only people I implicitly trust are Caroline and my mom. I know that whatever I tell them will get locked in a vault and will be taken without judgment.

How do I find that in another person in four years?

College to me is the end. It is the end of my life as I know it, but I also know that it is a beginning, too. I can meet new people, maybe even find a guy who can stand to be around me. But I won’t have Caroline or my mom. They will be somewhere else. A phone call away. Not two minutes down the road or downstairs in the kitchen.

College scares the living daylights out of me. I just hope I can fool myself into thinking that it will be the greatest time of my life.

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