How to Get All the Ladies

How to Get All the Ladies

For some reason, my life has been plagued by awkwardness.

Not the kind of awkward used in everyday slang when there’s an “awkward silence” or something. I mean TRULY awkward.

Take a normal cafeteria; nothing entirely uncomfortable would happen to anyone there. Except me.

The day was seemingly normal and uneventful. Lunch came and there I was standing in The Longest Line in existence, going about my day, minding my own business. You know, casual student apathy.

I notice a person in the corner of my eye trying to disrespectfully weasel his way in front of me. That PEEVED ME OFF. I can’t stand line cutters; they are The Ignorant. I speed walk like a crazy “Speed Demon” (as one friend pointed out) to get to the OTHER WING of school for a decent spot in line, so I DESERVE my spot. It’s not like the cafeteria food is beautifully delicious or anything that I have to resort to actual physical activity and mouth-breathing, but I still want to eat nonetheless. Anyone who cuts in line and pretends they actually want to talk to the person in front of me will be forever labeled as rude and annoying. Now at this point especially, I would DIE for a lick of food so any line cutting is an absolute “no“. So when the stranger tried to cut me, I’m like UMM NO and further smashed myself against the person in front of me to the point of caressing. As uncomfortable as it was, I’d rather feel the gross body heat of a stranger than sacrifice my spot in line. When I took another glance at this boy, I saw that he had backed off and went behind me. Good, the boy was smart not to mess with me. After the threat of line cutting was settled, I relaxed and went about my business of awaiting my food.


All of a sudden, ARMS START TO WRAP AROUND ME FROM BEHIND AND AFFECTIONATELY SWAY MY ENTIRE BODY BACK AND FORTH. I felt the mysterious entity violate my personal space/integrity. The figure then started to whisper something in my ear. (I don’t remember what he said; I was just focusing on the fact that I was being MAN-HANDLED.I hope it had been an apology.)

Slowly, I turned around entirely confused, ready to karate-kick my harasser. It was THE ABOMINABLE LINE CUTTER. With the most confused face, I said “I don’t know you.”[I’ve recently been self-diagnosed with social anxiety so any confrontation with strangers scares me. So, imagine what I said ten times slower and borderline pre-educated toddler-like]


The look on his face was of total mortification; he had groped the WRONG girl. AWKWARD! After a billion “Sorry!”s and the repossession of my space, he disappeared into the other line. Knowing the feeling of embarrassment quite well (former-personal experience sadly), I graciously excused his mistake. I didn’t want to make it any weirder than it already was for him. I located him in the other line and noticed that he found the girl he had mistaken for me (he was all-up in her business as well). She was half my height, wearing something COMPLETELY different and looked NOTHING like me.


As you can imagine the whole experience was absolutely bizarre. Just imagine me, a feeble-looking Asian girl getting seriously ASSUALTED in the lunch line while NO ONE HAD THE CHIVALRY TO SAVE ME. Also, being a nerd, any encounters with the opposite sex is pretty much unheard of (and a milestone!) so the one-way hugging was completely new to me. I remember trying to think of who the heck is coming on to me. As almost flattering as it was, it was so W E I R D. I also have a thing about touching and any PDF (Personal Displays of Friendship). THAT SHOULD BE SAVED FOR MARRIAGE. Just kidding, but I really just don’t like touching. Unless there’s a bug on me and you’re trying to get it off, or you’re sexy, don’t touch me.


After days of being ridiculed by my friends, I realized that that boy could have been a hardcore genius. What if he wanted ALL OF THIS and he “mistakenly” took me for another girl just for a chance to approach me. [Maybe the fiasco was an expression of romantic passion towards me. Yeah, that sounds nice.] Now that was pure ingenuity. So listen, if you’re a male, single and ready to mingle and all hope seems lost, don’t fret! I just gave you an idea for THE best pickup (Literally. He physically lifted me.) line (Ha. Lunch “line”. Get it?) IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. It’s the only situation where assault of your peers is justified! Score! Just don’t do it to me. Like, EVER.


After divulging possibly the most awkward experience you have ever heard, feel better about yourself and your awkwardness because at least you’re not me, a magnet for awkward situations. Believe it or not, this isn’t even number one on my mental list of awkward moments.


And by the way:


1. If you are the guy from the said situation, no hate. It was weird, you gotta admit. I really want to know your side of the incident as well, so hit me up. No touching though, you got enough of that. *wink*


2. If you are Jake Gyllenhaal and you’ve just read this, I think you’re perfect and you can hug me from behind and swing me around all you want (you’re the only exception).


3. All I wanted was my food and I got that instead.