I am the absolute pro at being stressed out. It’s seriously in my DNA. As the guru of stress, I’d like to offer a few suggestions that will assist you on your quest to be stressed out beyond necessary reason.

ONE – CONSTANTLY REMIND YOURSELF OF ALL YOU HAVEN’T DONE.

This will effectively cause hyperventilation and anti-productivity due to the fact that you’re so busy worrying about what you haven’t done that you’re too overwhelmed to accomplish anything at all! This entails quality stress that everyone can’t handle well.

TWO – ONLY CONSIDER THE WORST CASE SCENARIO.

When stressing out, the best thing to do is to consider the worst possible circumstances if you don’t complete everything you must. This is similar to the slippery slope fallacy in English. Once you’ve started down the slippery slope of stress, you’ll only increase your stress by the fear of what will happen to you.

THREE – PROCRASTINATE. ALWAYS.

Procrastination is an important factor in stressing out. You’ve got to wait until eleven the night before a big research paper is due to start, or even the morning of its due date. The closer to deadline the better and more intensified stress you’ll have. As the intensity of stress increases, so does the screaming that you hate everything because you can’t finish your work, the possible tendency to send objects flying in frustration, as well as the waterworks and head-banging-against-the-wall.

FOUR – OCD PERFECTIONISM.

Even if you aren’t medically diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD is in our DNA. You can’t deny it or defy it, especially when writing a paper or completing a project. Why? It could always be so much better. Go back and rewrite your paper about seven times, but remain convinced that it’s the worst paper you’ve ever written and your teacher will destroy it with their wretched red editing pen and fail you because it’s not good enough. So rewrite it. Again. And again. Maybe three times more. This is especially an effective method in producing stress when you’re on deadline.

FIVE – DISTRACTIONS.

Go over to your best friend’s house to work on projects, papers, and assignments together. Blast your iPod and have thirty second working periods in between deep discussions of drama and high school scandals, like did-you-see-what-so-and-so wore today, and girl-did-you-see-them-together? When you finally go home after breaking curfew, you’ll realize when your parents ask how much you accomplished that you got literally nothing done because you were too busy giggling over YouTube videos.

These are my five favorite methods of producing that warm and fuzzy feeling of stress in my life. I can actually tell you in good nature that this article stressed me out because I effectively adhere to numbers three and four religiously. Stress on, my friends. Stress on.